What if the problem isn't that you don't know yourself—it's that you've gotten really good at listening to everyone else?
This is a question I hear in different forms all the time:
What do I actually want?
How do I know what's me and what's just what I'm supposed to want?
Why do I feel disconnected from my life?
How do I stop living on autopilot?
What does it even mean to be authentic?
For creatives, neurodivergent people, people with ADHD, and LGBTQIA+ people, questions about identity and authenticity can become particularly complicated.
Because sometimes “being yourself” comes with consequences.
What does it mean to “be yourself”?
It doesn't mean behaving exactly the same way in every situation.
It doesn't mean never compromising.
It doesn't mean saying everything you think.
And it definitely doesn't mean discovering one perfectly authentic version of yourself who has been hiding inside you all along.
Being yourself is less about finding a final answer and more about developing a relationship with your own:
preferences
values
needs
boundaries
interests
emotions
relationships
desires
creativity
identity
In other words, authenticity is something you practice, not a personality test you pass.
Why don't I know what I want?
There are a lot of reasons.
Maybe you've spent years prioritizing other people's needs.
Maybe you learned that being “good” meant being agreeable.
Maybe you grew up receiving strong messages about what a successful life was supposed to look like.
Maybe ADHD makes it difficult to distinguish genuine interest from novelty or external pressure.
Maybe you've spent so much time surviving that you haven't had much room to ask yourself what you actually enjoy.
Or maybe you're in the middle of a major life transition and the old version of your life no longer fits.
Not knowing what you want doesn't necessarily mean you lack direction.
Sometimes it means you're between versions of yourself.
How do I know if I'm living according to my own values?
Try looking at your calendar instead of your intentions.
What gets your time?
What gets your energy?
What do you make room for?
What do you consistently say yes to?
What do you consistently say no to?
Our stated values and our lived values aren't always the same.
You might say creativity matters to you while never having time to create.
You might say relationships matter while spending most of your energy working.
You might say freedom matters while building a life around everyone else's expectations.
This isn't an accusation.
It's information.
How can I figure out what I actually want?
Start collecting data about yourself.
Notice:
What gives me energy?
What drains me?
What makes me feel curious?
When do I feel most like myself?
Who am I around people I trust?
What am I doing when I lose track of time?
What am I jealous of?
Jealousy can be surprisingly useful here.
Sometimes what we envy points directly toward something we haven't given ourselves permission to want.
If you constantly think:
“I wish I could just quit my job and make art.”
The important question may not be whether you should immediately quit your job.
It may be:
“What does the life I'm imagining represent to me?”
Freedom?
Creativity?
Autonomy?
Recognition?
Less structure?
More meaning?
That answer is often more useful than the fantasy itself.
Why do I feel guilty when I prioritize myself?
Because prioritizing yourself can feel selfish when you've learned that your value comes from being useful, accommodating, productive, or easy to be around.
But there is a difference between:
“My needs matter more than everyone else's.”
and:
“My needs matter too.”
Healthy self-prioritization isn't about becoming inconsiderate.
It's about recognizing that you are also a person affected by your decisions.
How does people-pleasing make it harder to know myself?
People-pleasing trains you to scan outward.
What do they want?
What will make them happy?
What will prevent conflict?
What will make me acceptable?
Eventually, you can become extremely skilled at understanding other people's needs while being strangely disconnected from your own.
One of the first steps toward becoming more yourself may simply be learning to pause before automatically saying yes.
Try:
“Let me think about it and get back to you.”
That tiny sentence creates space between someone else's request and your response.
How does ADHD affect identity?
ADHD can complicate identity because you may have received years of inconsistent feedback about yourself.
You might hear:
“You're so talented!”
and later:
“You never follow through.”
“You're so creative!”
and:
“Why can't you just be more organized?”
“You're so spontaneous!”
and:
“You're unreliable.”
Over time, it can become difficult to figure out which version is actually true.
The answer may be that neither extreme tells the whole story.
You can be creative and struggle with follow-through.
You can care deeply and procrastinate.
You can be capable and need more structure.
You can be inconsistent without being a bad person.
A more nuanced understanding of yourself can be incredibly freeing.
How does creativity connect to becoming more yourself?
Creativity often requires access to curiosity, play, experimentation, and uncertainty.
Those qualities can get squeezed out when your life becomes dominated by:
Should.
Must.
Need to.
Have to.
Be realistic.
Be productive.
Make money.
Don't embarrass yourself.
For many people, reconnecting with creativity isn't just about making art.
It's about reconnecting with a part of themselves that isn't constantly being evaluated.
You don't have to monetize it.
You don't have to be good at it.
You don't even have to show anyone.
Sometimes creating something simply because you want to is an act of remembering that you are allowed to want things.
What does “getting unstuck” actually look like?
Getting unstuck doesn't always mean making a huge life change.
Sometimes it looks like:
saying no
trying something new
making something badly
leaving a relationship
changing a routine
asking for what you need
setting a boundary
resting
admitting you don't like something anymore
allowing yourself to change your mind
taking yourself seriously
taking yourself less seriously
The goal isn't constant growth.
Sometimes getting unstuck means stopping the cycle that keeps you stuck.
Do I need to know exactly who I am before I can start living authentically?
No.
In fact, it's usually the opposite.
You learn who you are through experience.
Try something.
Notice how it feels.
Keep it.
Change it.
Try something else.
Your identity doesn't have to be finalized before you begin living.
You are allowed to be a work in progress.
Can therapy help me figure out who I am?
Yes—but therapy shouldn't be about your therapist handing you an answer to the question “Who am I?”
Instead, therapy can give you a space to explore the question without having to immediately produce an answer.
We might look at:
What you want
What you were taught to want
Your values
Relationships
Boundaries
Identity
ADHD and neurodivergence
Creativity
Anxiety and perfectionism
People-pleasing
Life transitions
Self-trust
Authenticity
The goal isn't to create a shinier, more optimized version of you.
It's to help you build a life that has room for more of the actual you.
Ready to become more you?
You don't have to arrive at therapy with a five-year plan.
You can come with a question.
You can come confused.
You can come exhausted.
You can come with a vague sense that something isn't working anymore.
That's enough.
[BOOK AN INTAKE SESSION]
Let's start with figuring out what feels stuck—and what might be waiting on the other side of it.